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If you come visit our farm, you are bound to meet Mr. Vanilla in your first few minutes here. You can thank Farm-Aunt for the unparalleled experience of having an alpaca jump up on you because when she was here last year she trained him that visitors = granola bars and raisins! (She's not even sorry. When I sent her a Facebook message about it her response was “LOL”) So now every visitor gets an overly-exuberant alpaca hug and kiss upon arrival! (Farm-Aunt is lucky that we love her!)
Honestly, it's a bit of a problem because Mr. Vanilla is scaring our friends away! Although I have to say, he does make me feel safe when Papa the Farmer isn't around. In fact, he makes an excellent guard dog! So, just for fun, I have compiled my top 10 reasons why every family should retire their guard dog and get an alpaca instead.
Top 10 Reasons to Get a Guard-Alpaca:
Alpacas mow the lawn for you. (Well, they eat grass.) I've never met a guard dog who could do that.
On a related note, if you have grass, alpacas eat free. Do you know what dog food costs these days? (Of course, they have to eat free to make up for their initial cost. If you don't have a few extra thousand dollars floating around, see if you can get a free one off Facebook like we did. You knew Facebook was good for something, right? And yes, that was my affiliate link. Because if you're going to insist on keeping your dog after reading this post, you'll need to feed him and I might as well make a small commission on the dog food to help me keep writing posts like this, right?)
Unlike Doggy doo-doo, “alpaca beans” are good for the garden, and therefore much desired. You wouldn't want to spread doggy doo-doo around your vegetable beds, but “alpaca beans” are like little gold nuggets in that veggie patch.
Plus, “alpaca beans” give the kids something to laugh themselves silly over every time you serve black beans for dinner. (Yep. That was an affiliate link too. Just in case you actually own an alpaca and had never thought about grossing your kids out at dinner that way.)
Guard dogs are a dime a dozen, but not everybody has an alpaca.
Alpacas are big! They're the size of a small horse. What thief would want to come eyeball-to-eyeball with that? (You haven't lived until you've had an alpaca jump up on you to give you a full-body hug from behind! The bad guys won't even know what hit them!)
Alpacas will scare the thugs away. (Of course they'll scare all but your most resilient friends away too). If your alpaca doesn't scare the intruders away, it's bound to distract them because they'll be wondering “What is that?”
If the thief doesn't get scared quickly enough, the alpacas will spit at them. You'd get charged with assault if you tried that, but who's going to try to arrest an alpaca?
If spitting doesn't work, they will try to bite the thieves' man-parts off. (I am not making that up. I don't know why they like to do that when they're feeling agressive, but Alpacas are mean! Let's just say that if word gets out on the street about how your guard-alpaca fights, the thieves will definitely stay away.) By the way, Papa the Farmer insists that I tell you that I've never actually seen Mr. Vanilla try to do that to a human being…. just to other alpacas. Still. Who wants to take a chance like that?
And the Number One Reason Why You Should Retire Your Guard Dog and Get A Guard Alpaca Instead…
It will make your Home Owner's Association scratch their heads. Is there a bylaw in the books against guard alpacas in the neighborhood or not?
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And while you're here, have you seen my ebook Easy Peasy Chores? It has lots of fun ideas to help you train your kids to do chores. But it won't help you train your alpaca. Or even your guard dog. Sorry about that. Type in the code “AlpacaFun” for a $5 coupon off either version of Easy Peasy Chores